A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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