i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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