We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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