Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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