alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
