I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
