perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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