I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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