I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
it's great music for shaving your balls
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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