I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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