Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
