If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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