I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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