for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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