sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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