i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
