Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
