I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
