i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize