I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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