I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
