I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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