don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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