Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
