I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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