Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
