First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
