Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
