It was confusing and full of hummus
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
