he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
