He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
