Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
