I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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