I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize