I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
