I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
