Where did you get a picture of my penis
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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