nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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