If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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