Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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