i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
