i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
