how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
