I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
