Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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