my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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