Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
