I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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