Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
