I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
