I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
