Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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