I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
