I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
