Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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