Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
