She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
