woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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