I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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