Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
