I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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